


That Which is True and That Which I Cannot Say

by Taste_of_Suburbia



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Amused Sam, Angst, Castiel in the Bunker, Coming Out, Dean/Castiel Secret Santa Exchange, Denial of Feelings, Domestic, Established Relationship, Family, Flashbacks, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Human Castiel, Hurt/Comfort, Insomnia, M/M, Romance, Season/Series 09, Stressed Dean, Supportive Sam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-05
Updated: 2015-01-05
Packaged: 2018-03-05 12:11:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3119732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Taste_of_Suburbia/pseuds/Taste_of_Suburbia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cas is human and in a relationship with Dean and Dean is finally happy and at peace with himself for the first time in a long time. Until Dean comes to the sinking conclusion that Sam needs to know, and Dean has no idea how to tell him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	That Which is True and That Which I Cannot Say

**Author's Note:**

  * For [an_ardent_rain](https://archiveofourown.org/users/an_ardent_rain/gifts).



> Written for Dean/Castiel Secret Santa Exchange for an_ardent_rain, whose prompt was along the lines of a Season 9 where Dean, Sam and a human Castiel are living in the bunker and trying to heal, with Dean and Castiel already being in a relationship.

“Cas,” Dean murmured, squinting in the darkness. “What are you doing up?”

Cas’ sleeping habits have been weird ever since he became human: getting up to read in the middle of the night, taking long naps after lunch. It’s been a month and twelve days since the trials, a month that Cas has had to adjust to life as a human and Dean’s surprised at how well he’s doing. Sure, Cas complains in his own way from time to time, but he seems generally okay. Of course, they’ve all had to adjust, even Dean, who has had to come to terms with how he feels about Cas, how he’s always felt about him.

They’ve always been friends and that bond will never change, but Cas has always meant a helluva lot more to him than that.

It just took a long while to even come close to accepting it. 

It was one step at a time even after the trials, when Cas started living in the bunker. It had started with the angel turned human crawling into Dean’s bed most nights, seeking comfort from nightmares and whatever the hell else. As the days went by, Castiel kept close to Dean, helping him cook and clean as they patiently waited for Sam to come back to himself. Cas would settle on the couch next to him whenever Dean laid back with a cold beer and watched reruns of Dr. Sexy, and he would sit beside Dean in the passenger seat whenever Dean needed to go out and take a drive just to keep sane. It wasn’t like Dean wanted to be alone anyway, Cas knew how to be a friend, knew when not to talk and when to just sit there in silence. It was better... not having to be alone.

Dean let him do whatever he wanted, not minding when Cas brushed up against him or even hugged him. The time had come where Dean couldn’t and didn’t want to deny him anything. Whatever it took for Cas to adjust, whatever it took to make him a part of their family again, then he would do it.

He laid awake too many nights after Cas finally fell asleep, thinking about how much he had fucked up, thinking about how he couldn’t save Castiel, couldn’t make him human again. They could go after Metatron even though Dean didn’t want to for Sam’s sake, he wanted out of it all, but Cas never once led him to believe that that was what he wanted. He seemed happy, happy in a way Dean had never seen him, and that had to count for something.

Dean didn’t bring up Metatron, and he didn’t ask Cas how he felt about being human. It wasn’t his place to dredge up memories that Cas would rather leave behind. It was Dean’s job to take care of him and Sammy and no one else, not even himself.

Except it didn’t quite stay that way.

The more Dean kept shoving his own needs aside, the more persistent his friend became. Castiel kept dragging him out of his own shell, making him laugh, smile, curse, it didn’t really matter. When he wanted Dean to do something with him, like play twister, watch TV or have Dean teach him how to do something new, he wouldn’t take no for an answer, and Dean wasn’t usually inclined to say no anyway.

Cas learned how to cook and spent most days cooking elaborate meals with the groceries Dean brought back, and one day Dean came back to the bunker to find that Cas had dragged Sam out of his room so his brother could frost cupcakes. It was a moment Dean didn’t want to break up with clearing his throat and making his presence known, but Cas looked over, saw him and shoved a frosted cupcake in his mouth, though ended up missing most of his mouth. With that, with Sam laughing so hard that he was practically on the floor, Dean stopped sulking and started thinking about what he wanted.

That was the night everything changed.

Dean didn’t know why, but sleep just didn’t come to him easily anymore. He didn’t know why, since there were no looming threats over their heads and no Cas to worry about and track down. Maybe there were just too many bad memories overshadowing the good ones, maybe he would never truly forget about hell, no matter how long ago it was.

He thought he was keeping Sam in the dark, but his brother was more perceptive than he realized. That was revealed after he shoved a bottle of sleeping pills in Dean’s hand and told Dean to get some ‘real sleep.’ Not that the pills worked for anything but giving him nightmares.

Still, Dean supposed it could be worse. Cas was always beside him, sometimes his legs were curled around Dean’s own but always he was close, so close that Dean fought back the urge to shove him away.

“Cas?” After determining he wasn’t awake, Dean drew in a shaky breath and continued. “You know I love you, right, man? I mean, I love you as a best friend, but it’s always uh... it’s always been more than that. What we have, Cas, I wouldn’t trade it for the world. But I... I know you don’t feel the same way. You haven’t been a human for too long and I uh... I think there’s a helluva lot better for you out there. Than me, I mean. So I’m not gonna hold you back, and I’m not gonna be overprotective. I’ll always be your friend, Cas. That’s never changed, even after all we’ve been through. I just... I just want you to know I’ll always be here.”

Dean stared at Castiel’s back and his bed-head for a long while after, eyes wide and panicked, sure that at any moment Castiel would wake up and catch Dean staring at him like the total, insecure freak he is. He didn’t know how long it took him, but eventually he laid back down, closed his eyes and started counting sheep, which he had started suggesting to Cas when he couldn’t sleep the first week.

It didn’t work.

Eventually, he crawled out of bed and retreated downstairs to the kitchen, taking out a bottle of whiskey and downing it as he booted up his laptop. Dean tried not to cry but he couldn’t help it, so he kept it quiet and wiped away the tears with his hands as they fell, trying to stop the flow but also not really caring at that point. Getting it under control took too long and he made up for it by finishing the bottle. He hadn’t been concentrating on the harsh glare of the screen for too long before he was interrupted.

“Dean?”

His head shot up and he immediately locked eyes with a concerned Cas. He stood there, in his ridiculous baby blue bathrobe, eyes red-rimed and everything about him wary and worried. That damn robe looked so soft and all Dean wanted to do was wrap his arms around him and have Cas no doubt tell him that everything would be okay, even though Dean was supposed to be saying that to _him._ “Hey, Cas. What’s up?”

Castiel walked forward and bent down before Dean, placing a hand on his knee. “What’s wrong, Dean?” Cas looked at him closely and without a doubt saw the tear tracks on Dean’s face, despite how dark the room was. “Why were you crying?”

“Cas, I’m not....”

He put a hand over Dean’s mouth to stop him from talking, and when he cocked his head to the side Dean nearly sobbed, remembering how Cas wasn’t supposed to be human. “You think that I don’t love you? You imagine that I could leave you behind, _would_ leave you behind.” Cas stared at him for another long moment and ultimately received his answer, upon which his face fell. “Oh, Dean, you stupid, pigheaded man. I imagined I would have to come to you, which I did, and yet you still do not understand.”

It was Dean’s turn to be confused then.

“I have slept in your bed for weeks now, hoping it might help you to adjust to...,” Cas paused as if at a loss for words. “ _Being_ with me,” he concluded. “I feel much for you, Dean. More than words will let me express. I believe I...,” Cas broke away for a moment, but when he saw Dean turn his gaze down to the floor he took his head in his hands and smiled at him. “I believe that what I feel for you is love, Dean. And I believe you feel the same way, judging by the distance you leave between us.”

“Cas....”

But he was only cut off again when the angel turned human kissed him as if he had been doing it his entire life, with practiced skill and ease, and with Cas’ lips pressed against his own so tightly, with no room to protest, Dean let all the denial in himself go. He kissed him back, just as he had been wanting to do for years. He liked men, so what? But even more than that he liked Cas, and he felt so freaking bad about everything that had happened to him but Cas was here, actually _here,_ not running off and getting into trouble and doing things behind Dean’s back.

Was it too much to hope that Cas never run away again?

Apparently, it wasn’t. It’s been three weeks since Cas kissed him that night and Dean kissed back, and Cas has given him no sign that he’d rather be somewhere else. It’s the happy apple pie life that Dean has always wanted, that Dean has never stuck with and believed for so long that he would never truly have.

And Castiel was now staring at him like things needed to change and Dean gulped, already seeing that domestic life shatter before his very eyes.

“You need to tell Sam, Dean. This has been eating at you for far too long now.”

Dean got this sinking feeling in his chest, because he knew Cas was right but he didn’t want to admit it. Sam would figure out that he and Cas were _together_ together sooner or later, and he knew it should be sooner but he didn’t want to throw this on Sam yet. “I don’t think I can, Cas,” he turned away. “I don’t think he’d take it well.”

“What are you talking about?” Cas asked him with a small smile of surprise, kissing him on the cheek. “He loves you, Dean, and he wants you to be happy. How could you even think that he wouldn’t be happy for you, happy for _us_?”

Dean swallowed thickly. “Maybe you should....”

“No,” Castiel said strongly, snapping Dean out of his reverie. “You have to be the one to tell him. And soon, Dean.”

He took soon to mean literally, as in the next morning. Disappointing Cas just wasn’t something he liked to do anyway. So while Cas was still sleeping in the morning he crept out of their bedroom and headed downstairs, smelling pancakes and bacon and he realized that Sam was downstairs cooking breakfast. He would have to do it on an empty stomach, otherwise he wouldn’t do it at all.

“Need any help?”

Sam turned around and smiled at him, his face brutally open and full of happiness. Dean was relieved after all they had been through. Sam was doing a whole lot better now, sleeping less and eating more, which meant Dean could finally start to relax again. Sam had been through too much only for Dean to have to put more on him, but he also didn’t want to disregard Cas. “You can get the chocolate chips if you want?”

Dean nodded and tried to stop his hands from shaking as he opened the cabinet and took down the bag of chocolate chips. Opening the bag was one thing, but as he bent over the pan and poured the chips into the batter, his hands wouldn’t keep steady and he ended up spilling most of them all over the counter. “Dammit,” he cursed, scooping up his mess and putting them into the batter. “Wasn’t watching what I was doing, I guess.” Sam was standing right next to him and he must have seen Dean’s hands shaking, and how freaking embarrassing was that? He took one last deep breath and finally decided to go through with it already. “Uh, Sam? There’s some things I should, uh... tell you.”

Sam helped Dean clean up, bumping his shoulder against his brother’s and whether it was intentional or accidental Dean didn’t know. Still, it allowed him to exhale the breath he had been holding. Dean suspected it was Sam’s way of trying to calm him down so that he wouldn’t have a heart attack while he was making the three of them breakfast. But if Sam knew... if Sam knew than maybe he wouldn’t be so supportive anymore.

Shit. He was going to fuck it all up, wasn’t he?

“What’s that?” Sam ate some of the chocolate chips, watching Dean curiously. Dean couldn’t decide what was worse: Sam watching him or the fact that Sam seemed so at ease.

He knew Cas was watching this somehow, but he didn’t bother turning around. Cas was right, this whole thing between the two of them had been eating him up for years, and not telling Sam had been haunting him for months. Either Sam could find out on his own or Dean could tell him. “Me and Cas, we’re together.” He closed his eyes for a split second and just breathed, hoping Sam hadn’t heard him or better, that he was dreaming all of this and would wake up soon enough.

The response came quicker than expected, and it wasn’t laced with disgust or horror or hatred. “Dean, I know.”

Wait a minute. Dean stopped breathing for a minute, his ears ringing. His eyes opened again, slowly, only to see Sam look at him with amusement. The pancakes were all but forgotten until Sam reached behind him to turn the burner off, hand landing on Dean’s shoulder, startling him. He looked into hazel eyes that were identical to his own and finally understood. However long that Sam knew, it had been for a while. In fact, judging that the whole admission was some joke to him, he had known for _ages._ And why hadn’t Dean been able to figure this out? Even worse, Cas had been pushing him into this all along and he had fallen like a hapless fool for it. Damn angel. Or damn used-to-be angel. Hell, he didn’t even know whether Sam was involved in it or not. Probably was.

“Doesn’t it feel a whole lot better once you say it, Dean?”

“Son of a bitch,” Dean swore. Yet inside he was smiling.

**FIN**


End file.
